Should I let my child play violent video games?
Not everyone who plays violent video games becomes violent. Many of the games do, however, provide images that are too violent and gruesome for almost anyone. They also model poor conflict resolution skills that can be harmful to a child who may already feel angry or hopeless. It is important to remember that violence is a learned behavior and this is one of ways that children learn. These games also serve to desensitize your child to the violence they see around them. This means that they may not be shocked or upset by things that we find very disturbing. For these reasons, it is a good idea to try to limit time with violent video games, especially those that have gratuitously violent images or themes. If your child becomes pre-occupied with playing these games or recreating the images they portray in other areas of life, this is cause for concern.
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Recommendations:
- Preview any games your child plays. If they are upsetting to you, don't let your child play them.
- Limit the amount of time they are allowed to play violent games.
- If your child seems pre-occupied with the game or its theme for more than a week, talk with them about it and get consultation or help from a counselor or therapist.
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| My child wants to wear a black trench coat and paint his fingernails black. What should I do?
Your child is trying to communicate something to you and to those around him. It may be nothing more than a desire to be noticed or acknowledged. There is no way to know without asking him. If he is just doing this to "get attention," give him some attention by discussing the matter with him calmly and openly. The goal here is more communication, not less. Find out how he feels about himself and his friends. Check up on him a little to see if he is being accurate about what he says. How does he think the school sees him? Is that an accurate perception? Talk with his teachers to see what they think. Don't panic! If he won't talk with you, see if there is another adult he might speak with, a family friend, a counselor, a teacher or a therapist. Keep at it. Show interest in what he says, and try not to be judgmental. Remember that you have the authority to say "no" as his parent. Don't feel intimidated or frightened that he might rebel even more. If you speak with him first and let him know how you feel, if you listen carefully to what he says, he may feel a bit more "understood" even if you don't agree with him.
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Recommendations:
- Have an open talk with him.
- Share your feelings as a parent with him.
- Try to understand his ideas.
- Don't be afraid to say no, but keep a line of communication open.
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My school wants to install video cameras in the hallways. Is this really necessary? It feels like Big Brother is watching everyone.
It may be an unfortunate fact of life that for a while, cameras and hall monitors may be needed in order for children to feel safe in school. We all hope that programs such as bullying prevention, conflict mediation, and anger management will decrease the need for these sorts of devices in the next few years. Maybe our discomfort can spur us on to make sure we are helping to change things. It may seem like an over-reaction right now, but sometimes the danger is clear and present. Cameras are already viewing us in stores, on highways and at the bank. T his may not be that much different. Realize, however, that cameras are no substitute for live adult supervision.
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Recommendations:
- Don't over-react, talk with the school personnel about the reasons for the cameras and how they will be used.
- Ask your child how they feel about the cameras now, and then again in a few weeks.
- Notice where else there are cameras. Does it really bother you?
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My teenager saw all the news stories about the latest school shooting and to my surprise, he said that the kids who did it were "cool" and "really brave." What should I do?
This is a case where communicating with your child is very important. Before you react too harshly, find out what he means by "cool" and "brave." Have a discussion with him about the shootings. Maybe he will reconsider his views once he thinks about it and talks it over with you. Does he think something like this might happen in his school or to his friends? What might that be like? How does your own child feel about school in general? If you hear what he or she has to say and it does seem threatening or sound like he or she might do something, you should make sure that your child gets some help. Talk with a school counselor or school psychologist and take him or her to see a mental health professional. Consider contacting your child's school. Be sure to express your values and ideas, (e.g. "From my perspective they were not brave, just scared and hurt.") .
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Recommendations:
- Don't let this pass, talk with your child.
- Express your perception of what happened and what the consequences are for the victims and survivors.
- Assess your child's likelihood of acting on his or her feelings in a violent way.
- Consult a helping professional or your family doctor.
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My ten-year-old son is being bullied at school. My husband says we should tell him to stand up to the bully and fight him, because that is the only way the bully will ever respect him and stop. I'm not sure?
Bullying is one of the hardest problems for children and parents. We don't want our kids to be victims on one hand; however, we don't want them to be violent in return. In most cases, the child feels powerless to protect himself or herself, and afraid that "telling" will make matters worse. Children need to believe that if they inform appropriate adults at school that they will be protected. Parents must support the school in finding and dealing with the bullies. Instructing your child to "fight back" may get them in more trouble. They can stand up for themselves and their principles by letting adults handle the situation. Parents should look for signs that their child is bullied, such as bruises, torn clothing, missing items of clothing, reluctance to go to school and the like. See if you child's school has an anti-bullying program in place or suggest that they begin one. For more information on bullying click here. .
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Recommendations:
- Set consistent rules.
- Discuss the consequences of breaking rules before they are broken
- Provide appropriate supervision for your children based on their age and maturity level. You should know where your children are at all times and how to find them.
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My middle school daughter says that she does not want to go to school some days because she is afraid there. How can I respond?
If your child is afraid to go to school for fear of being bullied, intimidated, or ganged up on, the school needs to know this. The school can be encouraged to ask other students anonymously about their experiences as well, but reporting bullies really can make a difference. As a concerned parent, you need to speak with the principal of you child's school and ask them what is being done about the problem. Stay in contact with your child about how it is going and if her or she is feeling safer or not. Sometimes the problem may not be at school but on the bus or at the bus stop. You may also want to speak with the parents of your child's friends as well to see if they are having the same concerns.
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| Why does there seem to be so much violence in schools now. Is it really like that everywhere, or is it just that the media makes it look that way?
Violence among teenagers and specifically violence in schools has actually decreased over the past five years. The recent school shootings attracted a great deal of intense and prolonged media attention. This leads most people to be frightened about the possibility of violence occurring regularly at their school. The good news is that we now pay more attention to threats and respond more immediately. Sometimes, however, our fear causes us to over-react. The media has to fill their air time and often do it by repeating stories or spending large amounts of time describing the experiences of a few individuals. We need to be vigilant, but studies show that our schools are getting safer, not more dangerous.
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| I have a teenage son who wants to go out with his friends in the early evenings when it is still light. Is he likely to get in trouble then?
Kids are most likely to get in trouble because of lack of supervision more than anything else. The highest crime rates are in the hours immediately after school, not in the early or late evening. Trouble may be a function of opportunity and the people he hangs out with more than when he goes out. It is important to set consistent rules for your son about when to be in. Don't, however, be so rigid in making a rule that is exaggerated or extreme. You will lose credibility with your son and he is less likely to respect your other rules. Better yet, sit down together and talk about the rules you want to make and why they are important. Then, you make the decision.
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Recommendations:
- Set consistent rules.
- Discuss the consequences of breaking rules before they are broken.
- Provide appropriate supervision for your children based on their age and maturity level.
- You should know where your children are at all times and how to find them.
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